by Lindsay Kriger
I know, I know: it’s not always easy to tell the underqualified from the qualified because everyone puts their best foot forward at first but that’s why you’ve gotta do the work. You’ve gotta take your time. Collect evidence. Do your research.
I myself have failed to do this. Gone too fast. Ended up with some heartache.
Solution? Take the things that you complain about – yeah, you know, those things you’ve said to your girlfriends, or the things that he’s done wrong to you, etc. – and make an “I have someone to introduce you to” scenario.
For example…let’s look at an underqualified guy and create an “I have someone to introduce you to” scenario. What if someone said to you – “Wow – I have this great guy. He’s 24 years old, he lives with his parents, he’s a virgin, he can never sleep over.” Would you want to meet him?
Here’s another candidate for a fix up: He’s 25 years old, never graduated college, got kicked out of college for selling drugs, is addicted to pain killers, smokes cigarettes, got sued for a half-million dollars, disappeared on his last girlfriend – she thought they were working on getting back together and she just never heard from him again.
Would you want to meet either of these guys?
So…why do we…accept ‘em?
As women we fall in love and start to overlook “bad” qualities. We are more forgiving when it comes to looks but I’d also argue that we are more forgiving when it comes to underqualifications.
We will find things to fill in for the things we feel are missing. Well, he’s not really confident but he’s really nice. Well, he can never sleep over but he’s really honest.
But we forget about the things that are important to us, about our needs. WE ARE PLEASERS. And at the end of our pleasing, if it doesn’t work out, what we are really upset about is our own actions: That we were willing to sacrifice our own needs and desires in order to accept someone we considered underqualified/incapable of giving us what we need, only to have them throw us to the curb or it not work out.
Classic case of the old rose-colored glasses. We often refuse to see the bad, preferring instead to be (insanely) optimistic about our partner, fantasizing about who they are or could become, with us. We make ourselves see him in a perfect, loving, flattering light. When we neglect our own needs and wants and make our ideas realign to fit our desired reality…we are not only uncomfortable, we’re also usually setting ourselves up for failure.
Remind yourself of that “I have someone I’d like you to meet” scenario each time you are unsure – is this a guy you would be excited about, hearing his description?
To date or not to date, that is the question:
- He’s taken your best friend on a date. Ask her first. If she says yes, give him a chance. After all, you and he have similar taste in women. You go out to dinner with your girlfriend all the time.
- He cheated on his last girlfriend. No way. Do you want to be cheated on next? I don’t think so.
- He lives with his parents. At first seems doable but is really not.
- He lives in another state and is NOT planning on moving to your state – and you’re not planning to move to his. Why are you wasting your time? See: “Are you afraid of love?” and consider.
- He’s addicted to any sort of drug. NO. NO. NO.
- He is always late. It’s a probably sign of something else rumbling beneath his exterior. Is there a reason for this lateness that you should be aware of…?
- His family hates your family. Since you can’t divorce your family, this seems like a bad idea.
- His family hates you. NO!! Aren’t there enough haters in the world? Surround yourself with people who love you.
- He talks non-stop about himself. UGH, there are enough narcissistic people to entertain us and make us laugh on reality TV. This is a No.
- He’s a virgin. If you’re a virgin, consider, of course. If you’re not… really really consider whether this can work for you.
- He has no friends. This is usually a warning sign. Tread carefully.
- He has no money. Is he smart? Do you believe in him? Is he motivated? If you said yes to these questions confidently and you are not being delusional, then date him. If he has no money because he is lazy and will never have any money to support you and your future family – pass.
- He is unhappy. Is it situational? Figure out the situation and if it can be solved. If he is unhappy for reasons that are much bigger than you and these reasons don’t seem like they’re going away anytime soon, move on. Men who are unhappy in life will be unhappy with you.
- He talks badly about his last girlfriend. Watch out. You are probably next. A real man can take half of the blame for his half of the problem.
- He hates his mother. How a man treats his mother is normally a telling sign. Woman-issues stem back to early problems with their mothers. In fact, make sure you ask him what his mother is like in the early dating stage so you can get a feel for how he feels about her. If he isn’t too fond of her, yells at her a lot, treats her disrespectfully… BEWARE.
- He is too attached to his mother. You need a man, not a little boy. A man who is still attached to his mother will not be fully available to you.
- He is too short. Stop wearing heels.