Category Archives: If Only I Knew
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by Lindsay Kriger
I know, I know: it’s not always easy to tell the underqualified from the qualified because everyone puts their best foot forward at first but that’s why you’ve gotta do the work. You’ve gotta take your time. Collect evidence. Do your research.
I myself have failed to do this. Gone too fast. Ended up with some heartache.
Solution? Take the things that you complain about – yeah, you know, those things you’ve said to your girlfriends, or the things that he’s done wrong to you, etc. – and make an “I have someone to introduce you to” scenario.
For example…let’s look at an underqualified guy and create an “I have someone to introduce you to” scenario. What if someone said to you – “Wow – I have this great guy. He’s 24 years old, he lives with his parents, he’s a virgin, he can never sleep over.” Would you want to meet him?
Here’s another candidate for a fix up: He’s 25 years old, never graduated college, got kicked out of college for selling drugs, is addicted to pain killers, smokes cigarettes, got sued for a half-million dollars, disappeared on his last girlfriend – she thought they were working on getting back together and she just never heard from him again.
Would you want to meet either of these guys?
So…why do we…accept ‘em?
As women we fall in love and start to overlook “bad” qualities. We are more forgiving when it comes to looks but I’d also argue that we are more forgiving when it comes to underqualifications.
We will find things to fill in for the things we feel are missing. Well, he’s not really confident but he’s really nice. Well, he can never sleep over but he’s really honest.
But we forget about the things that are important to us, about our needs. WE ARE PLEASERS. And at the end of our pleasing, if it doesn’t work out, what we are really upset about is our own actions: That we were willing to sacrifice our own needs and desires in order to accept someone we considered underqualified/incapable of giving us what we need, only to have them throw us to the curb or it not work out.
Classic case of the old rose-colored glasses. We often refuse to see the bad, preferring instead to be (insanely) optimistic about our partner, fantasizing about who they are or could become, with us. We make ourselves see him in a perfect, loving, flattering light. When we neglect our own needs and wants and make our ideas realign to fit our desired reality…we are not only uncomfortable, we’re also usually setting ourselves up for failure.
Remind yourself of that “I have someone I’d like you to meet” scenario each time you are unsure – is this a guy you would be excited about, hearing his description?
To date or not to date, that is the question:
- He’s taken your best friend on a date. Ask her first. If she says yes, give him a chance. After all, you and he have similar taste in women. You go out to dinner with your girlfriend all the time.
- He cheated on his last girlfriend. No way. Do you want to be cheated on next? I don’t think so.
- He lives with his parents. At first seems doable but is really not.
- He lives in another state and is NOT planning on moving to your state – and you’re not planning to move to his. Why are you wasting your time? See: “Are you afraid of love?” and consider.
- He’s addicted to any sort of drug. NO. NO. NO.
- He is always late. It’s a probably sign of something else rumbling beneath his exterior. Is there a reason for this lateness that you should be aware of…?
- His family hates your family. Since you can’t divorce your family, this seems like a bad idea.
- His family hates you. NO!! Aren’t there enough haters in the world? Surround yourself with people who love you.
- He talks non-stop about himself. UGH, there are enough narcissistic people to entertain us and make us laugh on reality TV. This is a No.
- He’s a virgin. If you’re a virgin, consider, of course. If you’re not… really really consider whether this can work for you.
- He has no friends. This is usually a warning sign. Tread carefully.
- He has no money. Is he smart? Do you believe in him? Is he motivated? If you said yes to these questions confidently and you are not being delusional, then date him. If he has no money because he is lazy and will never have any money to support you and your future family – pass.
- He is unhappy. Is it situational? Figure out the situation and if it can be solved. If he is unhappy for reasons that are much bigger than you and these reasons don’t seem like they’re going away anytime soon, move on. Men who are unhappy in life will be unhappy with you.
- He talks badly about his last girlfriend. Watch out. You are probably next. A real man can take half of the blame for his half of the problem.
- He hates his mother. How a man treats his mother is normally a telling sign. Woman-issues stem back to early problems with their mothers. In fact, make sure you ask him what his mother is like in the early dating stage so you can get a feel for how he feels about her. If he isn’t too fond of her, yells at her a lot, treats her disrespectfully… BEWARE.
- He is too attached to his mother. You need a man, not a little boy. A man who is still attached to his mother will not be fully available to you.
- He is too short. Stop wearing heels.
by Lindsay Kriger
There are countless reasons a relationship might end. Not all of them are about you. Not all of them make logical sense. Not all of them are easy to accept. Today’s blog post, however, I want to devote to one particular reason things can break down and a man might leave – which is something you can actually do something about!
Here it is plain and simple: A man often leaves a woman who he feels he cannot make happy.
I know this happened to me with my ex-boyfriend Josh. And I know it’s happened with some of my girlfriends, too.
Ironically, at first I thought Josh left me because I couldn’t make him happy. But when I looked closer at our relationship, I realized that the only thing that I was doing to make him unhappy was not being happy!
The situation looked like this: I was unhappy with myself – therefore, no matter what Josh did, he was not able to make me happy.
I’d constantly deny this unfortunate arrangement – not only to myself, but to Josh too. I was always telling Josh how much he made me happy. But because I remained unhappy inside, Josh didn’t believe me. He kept telling me he felt like he was failing me in some way if I was so depressed and unsatisfied with my life. In Josh’s mind, if only he could somehow do or say something different, better, more – then he’d be able to make me a happy woman. Basically, Josh completely connected the concept of “me being happy” with the concept of him being “successful in our relationship.”
At breakup time, Josh expressed the situation to me in words I will always remember. He told me he’d been feeling a lot of stress out in the world, with work and all else, and then when he came home from the day’s battlefield, he felt stress again with me – because he felt like he was failing at home with his girlfriend!
Josh isn’t the only guy who is susceptible to feeling this way. At a relationship workshop I attended, I once asked a man: “What’s it like for you when you can’t make a woman happy?” He replied, “When you can’t make a woman happy it’s a form of torture. There’s nothing left to do so you say ‘game over’ and you walk away because it’s torture. We are programmed to provide. It makes us very happy.”
Listen up, girls! Men are success oriented! When a man thinks he’s failing at making you happy in the relationship, he will feel like a failure, become miserable and want to leave you! End of story! End of relationship!
So, why didn’t I just allow Josh to make me happy? Because I didn’t really know how to make myself happy. I was focusing far too much on what was wrong in my life, instead of focusing on all which was right, beautiful, joyful. I wasn’t living in the present moment. I was focused on regrets in my past and fears about my future.
So, what can we all learn from this? It’s important to come into a relationship happy. Not only for yourself – but for the other person too! If you don’t take charge of your own happiness, then your partner won’t feel successful and may want to resign from loving you. And believe it or not, resignation isn’t easy. It’s damned difficult to quit – be it a job or a relationship. But quitting is something a person feels is imperative to do when they feel they have failed at something, and there’s no path back to success.
If you’re unhappy, you’re not only personally suffering, you’re causing your partner to suffer too, by setting him up for failure! And what you want to do instead is set up your partner to win in the relationship!
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Starting today, I want you to do what you can to make yourself a happier person so your partner can feel like a winner in the relationship. You can start by creating a stronger sense of who you are – and what you have to offer the world. I think I was so unhappy because I didn’t fully know myself. My identity was based on things outside of me. Therefore, whenever my outer circumstances changed (as they are bound to do), I’d always feel doubt about what I had to offer the world and go into a tailspin. You can help yourself to create a strong sense of self by making a list of your four best qualities. These are the 4 things that you’re most passionate about, proud about, talented at, excited for! After you write up your list, put it all into action. Do the things which allow you to express these qualities regularly! Much of our inner happiness comes from engaging in actions which make us feel happy, proud, passionate, excited. Know what you have to offer the world, then go out there and offer it! You’ll be happy that you did!
By Lindsay Kriger
I once dated a Mr. My Phone Died. He had a couple other pet names, too. Sometimes he was Mr. I Had No Service. Other times he was Mr. My Phone Was on Silent. Basically, he was a man who kept crying technological wolf.
The funny thing is…he was more than a guy I dated. To be honest he was my boyfriend. Go figure.
Anyway, here’s the pattern I’d experience with him. Mr. My Phone Died would make a plan – and then be nowhere to be found.
I’d text: Where are you?
I’d wait 20 minutes before calling. Then of course his phone would ring and ring and ring. As the minutes passed, my anxiety would grow.
When he did get finally around to answering my call – or showing up – the words would slip out of his mouth like butter: “Babe I’m really sorry, my phone died and I was stuck in a late-running meeting.”
This is when I would have to decide: Believe him….or not?
Quickie Hint: The rule of thumb is, if you have to question if a man’s phone actually died, then most likely you are dealing with a Mr. My Phone Died.
Come on girls. Fess up. You’ve had your own Mr. My Phone Died, haven’t you? You’ve found yourself waiting for that call, wondering about your evening plans. So what do you do? Believe and forgive? Or speak up and risk sounding crazy? What if he’s not lying? Hell, even you’ve had your phone die on you.
Which brings me to something I personally have learned about my own dear dead cellphone: A phone that dies goes straight to voice mail. It doesn’t ring and ring and ring.
Which brings me to something I personally know about my own dear (want to kill him dead) Mr. My Phone Died. His phone never went straight to voicemail. Also, I remember how he’d sometimes call me on the way home to tell me that his phone was dead – which, um hi, was a dead giveaway he was fibbing.
I ask you, girls: How can you call someone on a dead cellphone?
His answer: He said he charged it right after his late-running-meeting.
Quickie Good Manners Tip: Yo! If you have plans for that night, and your cellphone battery is low, be sure to charge it before or during your meeting. Or borrow someone else’s phone, dammit!
At first I was understanding with my Mr. My Phone Died. I was blinded by how badly I wanted to spend my evening with him. But as time went on the resentment grew due to my constantly playing a lady in waiting.
This brings me to ask an important question: What the $%#* was I waiting for? After all, a Mr. My Phone Died has 3 problematic areas – all of which interfere with being in a healthy relationship:
1. He doesn’t prioritize you.
2. He dishonest.
3. He’s inconsiderate.
Basically, a Mr. My Phone Died is someone who wants to make you feel like a priority – without actually having to make you one… This is the point of his phone dying. He’s selfishly keeping you waiting, instead of honestly telling you what he’s really doing. He wants to do what he wants to do, and then come back to you at his convenience. Without you getting angry! Ha!
I say: It’s time to stop spending your nights waiting around for someone with lame excuses. Date a guy that you trust to be up front with you – no matter what the situation. It’s time to do a cellphone upgrade and trade in your Mr. My Phone Died for a Mr. My-Battery-is-Charged-and-Our-Plans-Matter.
by Lindsay Kriger
Dating can feel like the longest marathon ever run. You think you see the finish line. Then nope — that’s not it. And OMG – some runner’s cut in front of you. Or you’ve been disqualified because you had too many Red Bulls. Or you’re the wrong nationality. So, there you are again. Starting over!
I am here to tell you not to get discouraged. Seriously: DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED!
I know it’s tough when you’ve been on a gazillion and one bad dates. Or worse, a gazillion and one bad dates after you’ve just broken up with the guy you thought was #theone. It might feel like there is a scarcity of great men. However, this just isn’t so.
You are probably wondering: Well, why can’t I find any of them?
I have a couple theories, one or all of which may be true for you!
1. You think, therefore you get. Have you ever noticed that when you look for red cars, you see red cars? Everywhere! Same goes for what you think about men. If you think there are no quality men, sure enough, only Red Toyota Men will show up on your radar. You’d probably even mistake a Red Ferrari Man for a Red Toyota Man.
2. There is a sorting problem. Let’s say you’ve found a Red Ferrari Man. Instead of being yourself, you’re trying to be who you think you need to be to drive this Red Ferrari Man into your arms. The problem? You don’t drive stick shift. Meaning? You won’t be able to keep it up for long. (Um…pardon the sexual entrendres. I usually try to keep it to romantic entendres!) Before long, either you’ll get tired and sort him out, or he’ll end up sorting you out because he’ll realize you’re not a Mrs. Red Ferrari Driver. No worries! You are not going to be compatible with everyone. You must accept that this dating thing is a sorting process. You might as well make it easier for everyone and be who you really are. Let the sorting process happen early on. The dudes who like you will come back for more. The ones who don’t, and who let you know that, have saved everyone time. Also, please don’t hesitate to sort yourself out for other people – saving them time!
3. Stop being discouraged! If you’re discouraged, you’re wearing Desperation Perfume – which is not a pretty smell to guys. (And not endorsed by If Only I Knew.) Remember, your belief system creates your aura. You need to show up giving off a heaven-scented aura of confidence and happiness. Solution: Swap that Desperation Perfume for Radiance Perfume. Feel genuinely self-assured, enthusiastic and whole, and you will be the most beautiful and attractive version of yourself.
The main thing is to keep on living your life. Believe me; I know what you’re going through. Once upon a time I thought that I had found #theone. Turns out, he was #theone who broke my heart. In my experience, I had a devastating breakup with a man – or to keep with my analogy, I personally crashed what I thought was a Red Ferrari man into a tree – and then, when I was recovering from the crash, I began to think I was seeing only Red Toyota Men everywhere. Soon I became convinced I would never meet a Red Ferrari man ever again. I thought great men were Ford Edsels – something they stopped producing in my grandparents’ generation. But as I became more open to the idea that great men do exist, and that I deserve one – then more great men started to appear in my life.
I want to leave you with a helpful analogy from best-selling author Karen Salmansohn. She explains that when Christopher Columbus was looking for America, he knew he was going in the right direction as he sailed because he kept seeing twigs, signifying the presence of trees somewhere out there. These twig sightings kept Chris motivated to keep pursuing his goal. Sure enough, ol’ Chris eventually hit land. Similarly, I now see that each man I’ve dated since Josh – though they might not have been #theone – they’ve each been a twig, letting me know I’m getting closer and closer to land.
I’m sorry, guys, for comparing you to twigs. Please excuse.
by Lindsay Kriger
I’m a big believer that if you want to attract a man, you shouldn’t play hard to get. You should be hard to get. Let me tell you: what a difference a teeny two-letter word can make!
Seriously! You should actually be busy and having fun – and not just be playing at being busy having fun. Create a purposeful life for yourself, where you’re fully engaged – instead of making “getting engaged” your sole focus.
I want to add here: Becoming seriously busy with your life should not be done as a manipulation technique! You should create an exciting life for yourself because you feel a genuine sense of self-worth, and know that you deserve a fantastic life. (If it is the sense of self-worth that you’re struggling with- well, start by imagining the life you think someone who loves themselves would live and try it on for size!)
Unfortunately, I’ve seen far too many girls – myself included – who stop creating thriving lives for themselves once they get a man. Instead they start to expect they’ll get all of their needs met from being in the relationship. I’ve learned the hard way that this is how you get burnt out… very quickly. Not only do you get burnt out- but your man does too!
It’s truly bad for your spirit to stop talking to your friends, stop doing girls dinners, stop doing the things you love (like going to the gym) simply because you’d rather spend time with your guy. When you look to your relationship as your only source of power and forget about all of the other things in your life that reenergize you, you begin to drain each other, instead of recharge one another.
Trust me: You’re hurting yourself in the long term if, instead of including the relationship in your life, you make your life the relationship. You will have far more to contribute to your relationship when you create a meaningful life for yourself, apart from just your partnership. Men are super attracted to women who are actively engaged in life – who have things to offer them, to teach them.
Always remember: You are a unique individual, with a purpose on this earth! In fact, this “unique, inspired, passionate you” is the “appealing you” who attracted your man in the very first place. Hence you should never put this “appealing you” in the very last place!
In the wake of getting dumped by her live-in boyfriend, Lindsay was completely devastated. (Stayed in her pajamas in bed for months, weeping – you know the drill.) But after a few months passed she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and started her quest for answers.
Filling her weekends with relationship seminars, Lindsay searched for meaning behind her own heartbreak and studied expert findings about men, women, and how they interact. She became so enamored with renowned relationship expert Alison Armstrong’s teachings that she went through the entire PAX Mastership and Leadership Program, becoming (at only 22!) Armstrong’s youngest trainee ever.
The insight-inducing conversations she had with women from around the world gave Lindsay the idea for her new site, as she kept hearing those words – “If only I knew at your age what I’m discovering now!” Realizing she could offer other young women the same education she was receiving, and maybe even help protect them from some future heartache, she was inspired to take action.
Lindsay is also currently working on a book – called It Has Nothing/Everything to Do With You – which will act as a more informative, thorough guide, based on her extensive research and findings.
How many 22-yr-old, fully trained Relationshipologists have you met? Probably none! Lindsay Kriger, recent NYU grad, has managed to earn that title – and her new Blog, If Only I Knew, is about to give women a brand-new go-to authority on dating and relationships!
Introducing the newest go-to girl for everything relationships: Lindsay Kriger. Lindsay! And we have her exclusive expertise right here on Media Maven ^__^!
Lindsay is a girl on a mission: to help us make peace with the opposite sex, and prevent future heartache. The If Only I Knew blog will be a fun, honest look at the world of dating, love, and sex – Lindsay offers advice and stories on a huge variety of topics and types of guys (be sure to check out Wednesday’s special feature, “Guys Not To Hump Day”, which will discuss in great detail a few familiar characters including “Mr. All Text, No Talk” and “Mr. 2am”)! She gives steady encouragement to readers – in fact, “Don’t get discouraged!” is one of her main rules. Every Friday, she’ll help her generation navigate the minefield that is dealing with dating, right here on Media Maven’s Lifestyle Blogazine.
Her informative but playful approach are perfect & relates to…
· Online Dating: with all of the new sites today, Why you should try it: can you really find the love of your life online?
· Dumped over text or phone? Social Media and Relationships, the new rules and how to handle
· Challenges in early dating relationships, challenges and experiences in young dating life
· Cleaning out your relationships this Spring: how to get rid of the relationships that may not be working for you to move on to a more positive, healthy self
· Consider Lindsay for expertise commentary on celebrity break ups- divorces cheating and how life on the big screen can affect your relationships
- Being single for the holidays OR, if coupled up, how to keep stress levels down and maintain relationship health
- How to know if he’s “the one,” or just “the one” you’ll live to regret
- Handling a “friends with benefits” interaction – keeping things relaxed despite high-strung holidays
· New Years Resolutions/ Dating Resolutions
Lindsay’s youthful yet informed and wise-for-her-years perspective is rescuing a community of young women from the sea of inferior relationship advice. It’s a unique, funny and sincere support system for anyone who is having or has ever had trouble in love!